For the past few days I have been thinking a lot about this idea of change and in particular my own sense of inner resistance towards change. As I have continued to work with this idea, I’ve noticed that my internal resistance comes from a place of lack. Specifically, I seem to lack faith in the universe and its willingness and ability to support me. Somewhat more surprising, I also seem to lack faith in my own inner knowing and ability to take care of myself.
Due to these two thought patterns lingering around in my head, I often feel reluctant to opening up to, being excited about, and/or embracing any type of change in short because I cannot predict, and thus control, the situation or potential outcomes. As a result, I typically experience a great deal of anxiety regarding life, choices, and possibilities that I am realizing isn’t necessary or conducive to growth.
While there are various areas where I could draw an analogy, it seems that for me this lack of faith in the universe (as well as in my own ability to survive and thrive in the universe) is particular pronounced within the area of relationships. And regardless of the type of relationship – whether it is romantic or platonic – it seems that for any relationship to work, both people must commit a certain degree of vulnerability with one another. That is, both parties need to expose their hearts without necessarily knowing how the other person is going to receive them.
And well… because I fear things that I cannot control or predict, I have noticed that I tend to hold back in both large ways and small ways in nearly all of my relationships.
Mind you, this isn’t the type of holding back where one simply doesn’t say something that could be harmful to another. Nor is it the type of holding back that keeps one from doing something foolish, dangerous, or inappropriate. Instead, this is the type of holding back that is caused by the fear of intimacy, vulnerability, and being seen. And while this type of holding back keeps one safe from potential rejection, ultimately it is harmful to both the individual as well as the relationship. In short because this type of holding back prevents one from fully showing up and thus learning to see and trust that they are cared for by another – just as they are.
Another way of thinking about it is, the notion that One’s body may be present, but the heart is absent.
With these thoughts in mind, the questions that I have for you are:
- Where in your own life are you holding back little? This holding back could be in your relationship, at work, in your asana practice, or even in the area of your health and wellbeing.
- In what ways are you afraid of the unknown and unwilling to take a leap of faith into the expansive support of the universe?
- And then of course, in what ways might you begin to be a bit bolder, fuller, more actively present within your own life and being – trusting that you are loved and supported – just as you are?