For the past few days I have been thinking a lot about this idea of change and in particular my own sense of inner resistance towards change. As I have continued to work with this idea, I’ve noticed that my internal resistance comes from a place of lack. Specifically, I seem to lack faith in the universe and its willingness and ability to support me.
Somewhat more surprising, I also seem to lack faith in my own inner knowing and ability to take care of myself. The result is, because I cannot trust in the universe, or even myself, I often find myself reluctant towards opening up to, being excited about, and/or embracing any type of change because – in short – I cannot predict, and thus control, the situation or outcomes. This in turn creates a great deal of anxiety regarding life that I am realizing isn’t necessary.
While there are various areas where I could draw an analogy, it seems that for me this lack of faith in the universe (as well as in my own ability to survive and thrive in the universe) is particular pronounced within relationships. For regardless of the type of relationship – romantic or platonic – it seems that for the relationship to work, both people have to commit a certain degree of vulnerability towards one another. Both parties need to take a leap of faith that requires that they expose their hearts without knowing exactly how the other person is going to receive them. This fear of the unknown causes me to hold back just a little in both small and grand ways.
This isn’t the type of holding back where you don’t say something that could be harmful to another. Nor is it the type of holding back that keeps one from doing something knowingly foolish. Instead, this is the type of holding back caused by fear of intimacy, vulnerability, being seen, etc that ultimately is only harmful to the individual. In short because this type of holding back prevents one from fully showing up and thus learning to see and trust that they are cared for by another – perfectly as they are. One’s body may be present, but the heart is absent.
As we move forward this week, I would like to invite each person to ask him/herself: where in your own life are you holding back just a little? It could be in relationship, at work, with regards to your asana practice or even your health. Where in your life are you afraid of the unknown and unwilling to take a leap of faith into the expansive support of the universe? And once you know where you can begin to be bolder, fuller, more actively present and alive within your being, I would like to encourage to dare to have faith that you are loved and supported, just as you are.