Its the little things

For the past few days I have been physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. If I am honest, I have experienced this exhaustion for the past few months and only this week everything caught up with me. 

Saying that my body, mind, and heart began to shut down is not something I do to in order self-congratulate this workaholic mindset that many of us, myself included, have subscribed to. Instead, I share this information in an attempt to circle back to something I read long ago and was reminded of this week – How we do anything is how we do everything. 

“Okay,” you might be thinking, “what does that have to do with anything?”

In short everything.

In getting sick, I realized that I have the tendency to put my own wants and needs last.

At work, I pick up the slack of my co-workers by agreeing to cover their classes when no one else will. I justify this action by saying I need the money, no one else can do it, and I want to help out.  In reality, me saying yes to their requests comes with an unacknowledged assumption that if I help you, you will help me. When this favor is inevitably not returned, as if often the case, I rarely stand up for myself and say anything. Nor do I put my foot down and say “No I cannot, will not, help you the next time they ask.” Why? Because I have convinced myself that 1) I need the money, 2) no one else can, and 3) I want to help out. In truth – I can earn money other ways, other people can help out, and I don’t have to be helpful to be worthy. 

Within relationships, this tendency to put my own needs last  comes into play as I will defer to the other individual present. Although not always getting one’s way is not the end of the world, as someone who routinely say “I don’t care,” “It doesn’t matter,” “Its not important?” the impact has become  tremendous. My habit saying “I don’t care” to so many small things has become this giant sign to the universe saying, “It doesn’t matter that other people have the lives they want and I don’t.” “Its not important that I feel invisible and unknown most of the time.” “It doesn’t matter that my life feels like an endless burden I must carry in silence.”

Well it does FUCKING matter! The lack of fulfillment and support I feel I get from my job matters! Feeling invisible by people around me matters.  Feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted and run down matters! I fucking matter! And by pretending that I don’t, that my needs aren’t just as important as everyone else’s, I have inadvertently created an environment in which it seems that anything I want doesn’t matter.

So the question I have for you, the one I am asking of myself is, How are you currently doing this moment?  What messages are your words, thoughts, deeds, and actions sending to the universe? Are these small things in alignment with the larger things you would like to cultivate in your life? And if not, what small changes can you begin to make  (consciously or subconsciously) in this moment? 

How we do anything is how we do everything.

It is only when we begin to pay attention and stand firmly in the belief that we matter and that all that we do matters that things will begin to change.