Recently, I have been reading a book entitled, “Rise Sister Rise” by Rebecca Campbell. Throughout, Campbell talks about the importance of reclaiming the divine feminine within our daily lives and presents a multitude of activities aimed at healing that void. Specifically, she addresses the importance of speaking one’s truth and sharing one’s perspective – suggesting that doing both has the potential to not only heal our own wounds, but also those of another.
As one who tends to hide, bend, or omit the truth when I am feeling insecure or not good enough, I was particularly drawn to this idea. In short because it seems that to speak my truth requires a sense of wholeness I sometimes feel I lack and yet in order to reestablish that sense of wholeness I need to do the very thing I am terrified to do – i.e. speak up and be seen and heard.
To illustrate how much I struggle with this, consider that for the past few weeks, I have been experiencing extreme hip pain. This pain has been so sever that I eventually went to the doctor, who prescribed physical therapy, because I either had a pulled groin, early on-set arthritis, or a series of labrum tears. And yet, there are few people I shared this information – not even my regular students knew I was experiencing this much sensation in my hip until I told them all this today.
Because in my head a person who sits in the role of “yoga teacher,” “should be” one who leads by example. They “should be” mindful. They should be aware of all the subtle things going on in their bodies at all times. Such individuals – in my mind – would never hurt themselves so seriously and yet have no idea of when or how they did so.
This self judgment has been compounded by the fact that as a teacher I am known to ask my students – daily – “How’s your body doing?”
Consequently, whenever asked how I was doing, I would avoid answering in an attempt to avoid the fear, guilt, and insecurity that an honest answer might provoke.